There are lots of reasons why girls find it difficult to come out and say NO firmly, the most common being that they don’t want to hurt the boy’s feelings, or they’re afraid of being thought a prude.
Why I Never Say No to Sex… But probably should
The truth is, I don’t have the confidence to say no to sex.
Let’s break down exactly what I mean. I don’t believe I would be attractive if
I said no to sex. I don’t believe there’s any leeway when it comes to sex. My
appeal to men is the easygoing, highly-sexed female role. If I stopped being
that person, my relationships would suffer. I’m sure of it.
I often envy the women (and men) who say no to sex
All the common reasons like, it’s been a long day,
I’ve got a headache or I’m too tired, fill me with
longing. What I would give to say, no I’m too tired today for sex and
still be in the same relationship the next day…
Hearing stories of people who love and look after their
partners even when they’ve not had sex for years brings me a deep sense of
appreciation for such a loving situation. Sure, these relationships often end
because we all have sexual needs, but just the fact a person is willing to wait
faithfully for months, even years, makes me feel a whole lot of love.
The Women’s Health website describes what I am talking
about as sexual coercion which is “unwanted sexual activity that happens when
you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way.
Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone. It might be from someone
who has power over you, like a teacher, landlord, or a boss. No person is ever
required to have sex with someone else.”
“Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone.”
I have, without a doubt, experienced this in the past in
relationships and in unfortunate situations on nights out. However, I am now in
a happy relationship where my partner (as any normal person would) happily
accepts whether I want to have sex or not.
However, there’s something in my mind still telling
me otherwise. My instinctive choice would always be to suck it up and have sex
no matter how tired, stressed or not-in-the-mood I was. When I take time to
think about it, I have a few key reasons.
Keeping my man satisfied
As much as I know my partner would stick with me for years
if I didn’t or couldn’t have sex, I still don’t think there’s room for too many
nos when it comes to sex in a relationship. Surely, if a person doesn’t have
sex or gets rejected too many times they will look elsewhere?
While it’s old-fashioned, I would rather say yes to sex and
know that my partner is happy, than risk too many nos. However, I believe this
is a perfect example of, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m still
learning that my relationship is a safe place, where I truly can say how I
feel.
No matter how supportive people around you are, it may take
you a while to fully realize your own self-worth and learn it really is safe to
say no. No one is going to abandon you because you were too tired for sex.
Being incapable of saying no
This brings me nicely onto the challenge of saying no. For
some people, saying no is the ultimate trail.
“We have an instinctive need for connection to other
people — it’s essential to our survival. We worry that saying no will break
these bonds,” says Vanessa Bohns, Ph.D., a professor of organizational behavior at
Cornell University. “Specifically, we fear that the other person
will feel rejected or take it as a personal affront. Saying no stirs up
intensely negative emotions — embarrassment and guilt. To avoid those feelings,
we often say yes even when it goes against our ethics.”
This is definitely true for me. I hate the abruptness of
saying no. It ends all conversations, can deeply hurt a person if they’ve put
themselves out there and it doesn’t make anyone feel good.
However, as much as I love saying yes and keeping the natural flow of a
conversation or a seduction plan going, I have learned that saying no hurts
less than a fake yes.
A fake yes means your partner doesn’t know what you’re
thinking. How can they know you don’t want to have sex if you don’t tell them?
Or you don’t like something during sex? Nodding your head along may seem like
the easiest option at the time but in the long term, it leads to a lot of
trouble, heartache, and confusion on both sides.
Possessing a sky-high sex drive
This is probably the healthiest reason of them all for me.
Because the truth is, now there’s no pressure for me to say yes, I find
myself still saying yes. And I like that. I’ll happily say yes
when I’m tired or have a headache because I know just how much pleasure having
sex brings me.
There’s the amazing orgasm, but there’s also the intimacy,
the sensation of skin on skin, the minutes of high-level pleasure before orgasm
and the deep bliss of exhaustion after an intense climax which makes me sleep
better than any tea, hot bath or meditation session can.
I love having sex. And I know that when I don’t feel like
it, the best thing to do is to have sex. Even a headache can be elevated with a
deep sex session.
So, while there are some underlying unhealthy mental issues
for me, such as low self-worth and some bad past experiences, there’s also a
lot of healthy enthusiasm and deep pleasure in my refusal to say no when it
comes to sex.
I’m still learning
And, as my relationships in all areas of my life improve, I
understand that I own the rights to my body, my pleasure, and myself. I can say
no whenever I like. Sure, it takes practice, but just knowing I can do it has
already increased my confidence.
As for self-worth, I believe all you can do is look after
yourself, create a life that makes you happy with people who support you, and
slowly over time your self-worth will increase to a level you could only dream
of before. You will wake up one day as the strong, confident and empowered
person you always wanted to be.
So, keep true to yourself, stick with people who make you feel good and always no, you have the right and the power to say no whenever you want to.
Final Word
Some girls worry that they’re not going along with what other girls appear to be doing. With all these pressures, it takes a brave and strong girl to say NO, but you must say it if that’s what you feel. If your boyfriend really cares about you, he’ll agree. On the other hand, you’ll lose a lot of self-respect if you say YES when really you mean NO.