"Where are all the marriage-minded men? Do they even
exist?" These are the laments I hear from many of my female friends.
It’s common to question this, especially if you’re not
finding marriage-minded men as you are dating. So, are marriage-minded men just
the stuff of legends, like rare unicorns? Or do they actually exist? Yes, they do exist! And this is true of men in their 30s who’ve never married,
all the way to older, more "mature" men who may be divorced or
widowed! But this question got me thinking about my clients, both men and
women, who have successfully found love and gotten married. What contributed to
them being marriage-minded? While not all my clients are looking for marriage
partners, most desire long-term, committed relationships. So what are their
commonalities? How can we spot them in the wild? Well, when it comes to
identifying men who are serious about finding a marriage partner, I’ve found 10
significant indicators that they are likely marriage-minded:
1. They are tired of dating and want to find their
person! Many marriage-minded men have had their fill of partying and now
desire to settle down with one woman. Or they may be more introverted and don’t
really care for the dating scene. One way to evaluate a date’s readiness is to
ask, "How do you like the dating scene?" and the answer you’ll most
likely get back is, "It sucks" or "I’m tired of endless first
dates and I’m ready to find my person!".
2. They ask to be set up by their friends and
family. Yes, set-ups and blind dates can be exhausting, but believe it or
not, they are a step in the right direction if you are looking for
marriage-minded men!
These men are open and direct about their goals of finding
that special woman and willing to enlist their close friends and family in
their search for love. They are eager to meet someone through mutual
connections and are open to being set up, or to go on those awkward blind dates,
if it means they might find a woman with a similar desire for marriage.
3. All their friends and family members are
married. A marriage-minded man is often the last man standing among his
friends and family. These men desire to fit in and to be included by being at
the same stage of life as their friends. This desire to be a part of a coupled
world means they are often the "third wheel" or the odd man out.
However, don’t feel bad for them. Because they are comfortable being around
coupled friends, they are more likely to pursue the right marriage-minded woman
when she shows up.
4. They communicate their goals in their online
profiles. Marriage-minded men are not afraid to be transparent about their
goal to find a marriage partner and are willing to share that aspiration in
their online profiles. When the survey asks for their reasons for dating, they
will pick the "marriage" category (and "family", if that’s
their goal!). If you are a woman desiring to be married, make sure you aren’t
wasting time on men whose profiles don’t clearly reflect marriage-mindedness.
5. They express their long-term goals for the
relationship fairly early on, often before becoming exclusive. When you’re
dating someone who seems promising, and it appears that you’re both interested
in becoming an exclusive couple, then having that heart-to-heart conversation
about where the relationship is going is a natural next step. In that
conversation, a marriage-minded man will express his desire to date
exclusively, with the intention of eventually moving the relationship toward
engagement and marriage.
6. A man who desires to have children (this is
usually true for younger men up to those around 50). One of the big
marriage-minded motivators for men is having a family, and especially having
their own children. This can look like a would-be first-time dad or a divorced
man wanting to have another child with his new wife. Although marriage isn’t
necessary to have a family (consider Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn), it’s often
a preference for men wanting kids. However, if you are at the stage of life
where you are dating men who are 50+, not wanting a family isn’t necessarily a
red flag. While some men over 50 may want kids, not every man wants to be 70
and have a baby like Larry King!
7. They have had consecutive, long-term
relationships, and often a past marriage. Some men feel more comfortable in
committed relationships, especially marriage. These marriage-minded men enjoy
monogamous relationships and value the sanctity of marriage.
Widowers, who had a loving wife pass, find themselves among
the marriage-minded men looking for a new partner- usually within a year or
two. They have appreciated the joys of marriage and miss the companionship
found there. Conversely, many divorced men also desire marriage, hoping
to get it right this time and experience a loving, healthy relationship.
8. They are set with their career and feel
financially stable. Often men who don’t feel settled in their career or
don’t feel financially stable, don’t feel they can support a wife and kids.
They may put off marriage and the pursuit of serious relationships until they
feel more confident in their ability to provide. I’ve watched women spend far
too much time pursuing men who are in this precarious state. However, when men
feel accomplished and secure, they then become more focused on, and
self-assured about, finding a wife.
9. They view being married as an asset to their
career and social standing. Some men are looking to marry up! Consider
Arnold Schwarzenegger who married into the Kennedy family and became the
Governor of California! Many marriage-minded men see their spouse as "the
wind beneath their wings", and long for someone who will partner with them
in pursuit of something greater. They realize that they can accomplish more in
life with the right wife.
10. Their parents and siblings have had long,
happy marriages. It’s always good to have great role models. If a man’s
parents and grandparents had long, happy marriages, then he’ll most likely have
a favorable view of marriage. Since childhood, this has been ingrained in him,
as a desirable way to live, and he longs to replicate the kind of relationships
he witnessed growing up. These men tend to be the marrying types.
If you desire a marriage as your relationship’s end goal, then I wish you much luck in your search for marriage-minded men. They are out there, just waiting to be discovered by someone like you. However, it’s not entirely up to luck. It takes honest self-evaluation, a targeted strategy, and a steadfast commitment to the process.