From my teenage years until I was 36, self-sex was a part of my life (I got married at age 26). Like the others who responded to Dr. Hart’s survey, I don’t think I could have said enjoyment was why I did it; the emotional hangover lasts much longer than the pleasure, sometimes for days. When the act was over there was always a strong sense that something was missing.
Sex is about connection and communication, spirit-to-spirit
communion with the person we love. When I masturbated there was no other
person, so an emotional misfire took place. Instead of bonding with another in
warmth, intimacy and love, I was haunted by loneliness, isolation and shame.
There isn’t anything about masturbation that fits. When I
tried to disconnect the spiritual from the physical, telling myself I needed
masturbation just for physical release, I still felt empty afterwards. The
spiritual component of sex can’t be separated from the physical.
Masturbation messed up my marriage bed. I didn’t struggle
with premature ejaculation, but I could have pleased my wife a lot longer than
I did (today after not having masturbated since 1998 it’s different).
It’s no accident when sex between husband and wife is a short story; it’s what
the husband trains himself to do when he masturbates.
The man who masturbates robs his wife of himself. She wants
emotional and physical intimacy, not just a rush to the finish line. She wants
to know him, and for him to hold her, commune with her and cherish her, not use
her like a plaything. She wants to enjoy his company, like two best friends
having a good meal.
Masturbation stunted my emotional growth. Opening up with my wife on a deeper level got harder as time went on, to the point where it felt like I was running from her at times. I’d spent so much time in isolation that I felt trapped inside; yet I was the one holding myself hostage.
I was blind to what my precious was doing to me. I was self and sex-obsessed, driven by urges. If I couldn’t have my precious I got angry, anxious or depressed. Sex was my god, comfort and love; the source of life.
I think the worst part was the separation from the Lord I
experienced when I made a few seconds of pleasure my source of life and
acceptance. I knew Jesus had living water that could fill my soul, but I “drank
from myself” instead (sounds a little sick doesn’t it?) I grieved the Lord with
my choice to make self sex my comfort.
Of course, the other obvious problem with masturbation is
that many men use it with pornography, and/or they run sexual fantasies in
their mind during the act. From Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:28 we know this is
sin, mixing self-sex with lust.
God’s Word on Masturbation
Let’s turn our attention to God’s word now and see what He
might say about masturbation. What I hear the most from other Christians about
masturbation is it’s ok “because it’s not in the Bible.” But, if “thou shalt
not” is the standard for whether something is sin or not then we can light up a
joint because there is no “thou shalt not smoke pot” in the Bible.
“Hey wait a minute!” you say. “It’s obvious smoking
marijuana is a sin because of the verses in the Bible prohibiting drunkenness,
and smoking pot clearly violates this principle in God’s word!”
I agree; we need to look at the principles in God’s word as
well as the Thou Shalt Nots. Let’s examine a few of those principles.
Principle #1: The only time when sex is sanctioned
in God’s word is in the context of a marriage between one man and one woman.
In Genesis 2 we read:
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his
mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh”.
Note the “two becoming one” emphasis – that
connection-communion thing again.
In Hebrews 13:4 we read:
“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage
bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”
Here again, the marriage bed is the sole context given for
God-sanctioned sex.
Now, carefully read this verse:
“Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am (single).
However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in
that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they
remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it
is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
– 1 Corinthians 7:7-9
If masturbation was a viable outlet for expressing sexual
burning, wouldn’t God have had Paul write something like this: “But if they do
not have self-control, let them masturbate or marry; for it is better to have
sex with self or marry than to burn with passion?” Masturbation is never
mentioned as a legitimate means for fulfilling sexual desire in God’s word;
marriage is the only outlet given. Or, put another way, masturbation isn’t in
the Bible.
The one man/one woman connection is developed again in the
following verses:
“Food is for the stomach and the stomach is for food, but
God will do away with both of them. Yet the body is not for sexual immorality,
but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body. Do you not know that your
bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and
make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! Or do you not know that the
one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “The
two shall become one flesh.” But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one
spirit with Him. Flee sexual immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is
outside the body, but the sexually immoral man sins against his own body.
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you,
whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought
with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.”
– 1 Corinthians 6:13,15-20
Note how “the body… is for the Lord,” “your bodies are
member of Christ,” “But the one who join himself to the Lord is one spirit with
Him,” and “your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit,” are weaved in with the
prohibitions against immoral sex, highlighting the importance of spirit to
spirit communion. As God’s children we are one spirit with Him and He lives in
the temple of our bodies. We’ll come back to this.
Principle #2: Masturbation is never offered as a way to
deal with depression or find comfort.
When Elijah fell into depression after Jezebel vowed to kill
him we don’t read “and Elijah the prophet of the Lord masturbated to comfort
himself.” Sex with self isn’t our comfort, instead
Principle #3: We are to receive our comfort from
Christ
…Who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be
able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we
ourselves are comforted by God.
– 2 Corinthians 1:4
Principle #4: We are to be the master of our bodies and
their accompanying urges; we don’t allow our flesh to rule over us.
But I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that,
after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.
– I Corinthians 9:27
Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from
fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul.
– 1 Peter 2:11
All things are lawful for me, but not all things are
profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by
anything.
– 1 Corinthians 6:12
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is,
that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess
his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion like the
Gentiles who do not know God…
– 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
We are to “discipline our bodies and make them our slaves,”
“know how to posses our bodies in sanctification and honor,” and we’re not to
be “mastered by anything.” We are to control our fleshly impulses, not be led
by them. We are to be men with strong hearts; men of courage who can stand firm
in the storms and temptations of life. If we can’t say no to pleasure, it
reveals a soft, vulnerable spot in our character, which the forces of darkness
will exploit until we deal with it.
Our culture bombards us with messages like, “if it feels
good, do it now,” and, “you deserve a break today.” If you’re sexually aroused,
hey just feed the impulse, it won’t hurt anything. Go ahead… have sex with
yourself or anyone you want. God’s way and our culture’s message are at war
with each other. The world tells us to obey our urges while God tells us to
master and control them. It’s Instant Gratification vs. Self Discipline; a
passive man weakened from pleasure vs. a strong man of character who can say
no; “It’s all about me” vs. “I will have sex with no one but my wife;”
Softheart vs. Braveheart.
Let’s stack up the scales for and against masturbation
and see which one holds the most weight:
The bad and the ugly:
- No
connection with another
- Loneliness
- Shame
- Robs
wife emotionally and physically
- Places
wedge between God and self
- Promotes
instant gratification mentality
- Promotes
“It’s all about me”
- Violates the marriage alone principle
- Violates
comfort from Christ principle
- Violates
mastery of flesh principle
- Softens
the character
- Is
used as a counterfeit substitute for love
The good:
- It
feels good for a few seconds
- Can
have an orgasm on demand
- Can do
it alone
- Don’t
need to please your wife
- No
more lack of sex outlet problem
- Can feed sex obsession
The scale’s a little heavy on the bad and ugly, don’t you think?
Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “OK, I want live
without masturbation, but how do I stop? I’ve tried before and the urges always
overwhelm me.”
- First,
let’s be honest: this won’t be easy, especially if masturbation is an
ingrained habit. Dealing with our sexuality doesn’t mean we deny it, stuff
it, or put on a phony Good Christian Who Never Gets Horny act. We do have
these desires, and it’s not always easy to say no.
- When
sexual desire hits, remember that sex is about connection with
another; you are one spirit with the Lord and He dwells in your
temple, and He waits for you to come to Him. Instead of misfiring with
masturbation, boldly approach Abba at the Throne of Grace for His strength
and comfort (Hebrews 4:16). Look at His face and expose the struggle in
your flesh to Him. Drink deeply of His Living water and soak in His
presence.
- The
first few months are always the toughest and there will be times when you
need help to make it. (You are involved with a group or have at least one
accountability partner by now, right?) When you’re overwhelmed, get on the
phone with a brother as quickly as possible and ask him to pray with you.
I’ve been the recipient of many phone calls like this, and the temptations
are always cut down to size after we pray together.
- Be
aware of situations going on behind the scenes that add to the battle,
such as an inordinate amount of stress, unconfessed sin, or an unresolved
relationship (perhaps with your spouse.) Do what you need to do now to
resolve these issues.
- Don’t
let failure get you down; learn from your mistakes and move on. Failure is
a teacher; learn from it, make adjustments and keep going. The forces of
darkness love to pound us with thoughts of despair and hopelessness; don’t
buy into it.
- Remember
that sex is not life; Jesus is (I am the way, the truth and the life. John
14:6). You don’t need sex. Solo ejaculation is a quick shot of pleasure
that will leave you miserable, empty and lonelier than you were before.
Sex isn’t love, it’s the expression of love to your spouse. Put sex in its
proper perspective.
- Physical
fitness plays a big part in the battle. You should be vigorously
exercising several times a week, and I don’t mean walking around the
block. Personally I like to work out with weights; it’s a great stress
reliever and I sleep better. If I don’t work out for a few days I feel
like a full can of coke that’s been shaken and ready to explode. Eating
too many comfort foods (ice cream, sweets, packaged foods) is using food
for pleasure and will feed the instant gratification mentality you’re
trying to silence.
- Your
character will grow stronger every time you say no to instant
gratification. Be persistent and never say die; in time you will become
the master of your body.
- Every
marriage goes through an occasional period of time where sex dries up. My
wife has been pregnant 3 times since 1999, and after the fifth month of
pregnancy she doesn’t want sex. It’s uncomfortable for her and she’s
self-conscious about her appearance. Counting her recovery time from three
C-sections this means I’ve had about 21 months of celibacy in the past 5
years. I had three choices as to how I could have dealt with this:
- A.
Masturbate. No way, precious.
- B. I
could have pulled out 1st Corinthians 7:5 (that stop depriving one
another verse) and hit her with a manipulative guilt trip. We still
wouldn’t have had sex and I would have driven us further apart; I would
have been stuck in resentment for what I couldn’t have, and she would
have resented me for not seeing her situation with an understanding
heart. We both lose.
- C. I
could have chosen death:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the
church and gave Himself up for her…”
– Ephesians 5:25
Jesus is saying we must be willing to die for our wives just
as He died for us. In marriage there will be times when we need to allow our
right to sex to be crucified for a little while. Just as Jesus approached
Jerusalem determined to die, so there are times where we must choose death so
our spouses can live.
Death is painful, and putting what we want up on the cross
is neither easy nor pleasant. To sleep next to the one woman in the universe I
could have sex with and hold back for a period of months was a struggle. There
were times where I found myself pulling away from her emotionally and I had to
remind myself that (1) our marriage wasn’t just about sex, (2) Michelle was my
best friend, and (3) she was going through a lot of physical discomfort being pregnant.
My clay pot weakness kept me on my knees drawing strength from the Lord, and I
shared my struggles with my brothers who would bless me by praying for my wife
and me.
As all things come to an end so did our period of marital
celibacy. When it did end I was able to come back to my wife with confidence,
knowing I had not been setting our marriage up for more problems by
masturbating (and it would have opened me up to the temptation to use porn to
“spice it up”).
Understand, I am not saying a wife should purposely withhold
sex from her husband, and he should passively say “ok” if she does this.
Marriage is the fireplace where the flames of sexual desire should be fanned
into a glorious bonfire; they should never be snuffed out. The point is there
will be times when your wife will go through emotional hardships, such as
grieving a loss or encountering physical difficulties and you will both be
blessed if you show her grace, understanding, and love instead of demanding
your due.
Picture a church filled with an army of powerful men who say no to instant gratification and self-centered pleasure; they are warriors with strong hearts who stand firm in the culture of lust and, through the cracks of their weakness allow God’s grace to shine through them to others. They model strength, transparency and integrity to their families and love their wives as Christ called them to. This is the high standard we are challenged to aspire to.