My bf and I have been dating for 9 months and it's been a good few months..we get along well and have fun, except when it comes to the bedroom. We have tried to have sex three times before, but with no success as he always ends up ejaculating before even penetrating me. I know a relationship isn't just about sex but I'm really starting to get upset about this. I've never had a problem with a guy like this before and it's starting to affect our relationship. I haven't even been able to give him oral because he comes before that. Yesterday, we were just kissing on the couch and I went on top of him and he came! (sounds funny to an outsider but I feel for him because I know it's not his fault, and I'm starting to get really frustrated too)
What to know!
People with penises will orgasm or ejaculate quickly, just like people with vaginas will sometimes. It's pretty normal for men (and people of all genders) to feel nervous or anxious with new sexual partners, especially when they have strong feelings for them or big concerns about that person's perception of them. A lot of cultural pressure is also put on men to be sexually "potent" and it also ties into a lot of men's gender identities and notions of their masculinity: it's a more loaded thing for men than a lot of women realize.
It's particularly common for people with penises to experience some sexual effects like quicker-than-usual ejaculation with new partners, or when the sexual partnership, on the whole, is new to them. And when we are talking about PE, it's well-understood that the dynamics of a relationship are a factor: if a person with a penis feels pressured by his partner to last a certain amount of time, or their partner shows frustration when they don't, that will tend to be part of why PE is happening.
Sexual arousal and orgasm isn't actually something that happens mostly in our genitals. It happens primarily in our brains and neurological systems, but creates effects we can feel genitally and can happen due in whole or in part (but also without) to genital stimulation. When any of us, of any gender, feel sexually excited or reach orgasm it's literally mostly in our heads (the ones on our shoulders). In other words, it is very fueled and influenced by what we're thinking and feeling emotional. So, how he feels in his head about you and about sex (with you and in general), but also any worries about when he ejaculates and your reaction to that greatly influences what happens with his body. If he feels or gets the message from you that you'll be disappointed with him if he doesn't last a certain amount of time; if he is worried about coming before he or you would like, he's more likely to do just that. Just like if you were deeply worried about that, you would be, or like if you feel very tense about pain with intercourse, you're more likely to experience that too, because what's going on in our heads gives our bodies messages they respond to. (How many people with vaginas can you think of who are literally crippled with anxiety they'll come too soon the way some men can experience feeling that? Probably none. How many people with vaginas are there who feel, or have partners who feel, that they come too soon? Very few. It's actually pretty interesting to connect these dots.)
So, when it comes to the worries and nerves, to feeling over-excitability about being with someone or being attracted to someone, that usually is something where a person just needs some time to get comfortable and feel secure with that new partner. This is one of the reasons why plenty of people find that developing a sexual relationship gradually, rather than racing straight to genital sex or intercourse, works best for them and their partners. Taking more time can allow people the opportunity to develop a comfort zone with a partner so they feel more secure with any kind of sex. More time for some people is days, for other weeks, for others it's months or more: it really depends on the individual and the relationship.
No matter what the deal is with when he ejaculates, obviously we all want our partners to be as comfortable as they can be, so what you can do to help with that nervousness is just give him that time, and be supportive of and chill about whatever time it takes for him to get there. You can build trust and reassure him that it's always totally okay no matter when he reaches orgasm and/or ejaculates. After all, isn't it totally okay no matter how quickly (or not) you might reach orgasm with a partner? If there's no right or wrong amount of time for you to get there, he (or other guys) shouldn't be held to a different standard.
What actually matters most, and what is most relevant, is if a person and their partner are enjoying themselves. And more often than not, both or all partners in sex can experience pleasure and enjoyment no matter how quickly one partner reaches orgasm. What equals a satisfying sexual experience and sex life for people tends to be more about things like attentiveness and responsiveness, creativity and spontaneity, a spirit of exploration and experimentation, an ability to go with the flow and be open-minded and open-hearted, sensitivity and awareness and for the love of Pete, a sense of humor and playfulness. And without those things, someone being able to keep it up a few minutes longer, or to have intercourse or not isn't likely to offer anyone much.
Here's another thing to know if you don't already: if you are a woman who really enjoys vaginal intercourse and/or also one who can orgasm that way? An erection is not required for a very similar set of sensations or to reach an orgasm that way. Fingers and hands can do the exact same thing, and it tends to feel very similar, save that the sensation can sometimes feel even more intense because it can put more isolated pressure on specific parts of the inside of your vagina which feel most sensitive. That's actually something plenty of women and their partners often does after (or instead of) intercourse for women who want to reach an orgasm that way. With relationships where partners have interlocking genitals, it generally takes longer for people with vaginas to reach orgasm than people with penises from intercourse, so that's one easy solution. And if you prefer to reach orgasm first, you two can certainly do things that way, too.
Do know that if and when a partner reaches orgasm before their partner, even if their genitals feel or are done with for them -- for the night or for the moment -- that doesn't mean that person doesn't or can't still feel aroused, or feels finished with sex just because one part of them is. For most partners who are really into each other, sex isn't done (and doesn't feel over) until everybody feels done, and seeing you continue to experience pleasure, continuing to participate in that with you with other body parts, is usually something partners enjoy and feel good about. A lot of people describe men as a group as people who simply roll over and fall asleep when they reach orgasm, or who only care about their own sexual pleasure. That's about as accurate as descriptions of women as a group all being emotionally desperate, catty or moody all the time. For the most part, men in sexual partnerships with people they care for and like a lot are quite invested and interested in their partner's pleasure.