“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Nine years ago my heart was in a million little pieces that
formed the basis for a million regrets.
I had my first serious relationship in college when all my
insecurities came to a head. My ex-boyfriend had to juggle multiple roles, from
therapist to cheerleader to babysitter.
The whole relationship revolved around holding me up. I
realized this soon after it ended—that I’d spent three years expecting someone
else to love me when I didn’t love myself. The guilt and shame kept me single
for almost a decade.
I dated, but it was always casual. I’d start getting close
to someone and then find a way to sabotage it.
Long after I let go of the man, feelings about the
relationship held me back. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid
of being
hurt. But mostly I was afraid of hurting someone else again and having to
live with that.
If you’ve been holding onto an old relationship, now is the perfect time to let go. Here’s how you can start moving on.
1. Practice releasing regrets.
When a relationship ends, it’s tempting to dwell on what you
did wrong or what you could have done differently. This might seem
productive—like you can somehow change things by rehashing them. You
can’t. All dwelling does is cause you to suffer.
When you start revisiting the past in your head, pull
yourself into the moment. Focus on the good things in your current situation:
the friends who are there for you and the lessons you’ve learned that will help
you with future relationships.
It might help to tell your friends to only let you vent for
ten minutes at a time. That way you’re free to express your feelings, but not
drown in them.
2. Work on forgiving yourself.
You might think you made the biggest mistake of your life
and if only you didn’t do it, you wouldn’t be in pain right now. Don’t go down
that road—there’s nothing good down there!
Instead, keep reminding yourself that you are human. You’re
entitled to make mistakes; everyone does. And you will learn from them and use
those lessons to improve your life.
Also, keep in mind: if you want to feel love again in the
future, the first step is to prepare yourself to give and receive it. You can
only do that if you feel love toward yourself. And that means forgiving
yourself.
3. Don’t think about any time as lost.
If I looked at that unhealthy relationship or the following
decade as time lost, I’d underestimate all the amazing things I did at that
time. True, I was single throughout my twenties, but that made it easier to
travel and devote myself to different passions.
If you’ve been clinging to the past for a while and now feel
you’ve missed out, shift the focus to everything you’ve gained. Maybe you’ve
built great friendships or made great progress in your career.
When you focus on the positive, it’s easier to move on
because you’ll feel empowered and not victimized (by your ex, by yourself, or
by time.) Whatever happened in the past, it prepared you for now—and now is
full of opportunities for growth, peace, and happiness.
4. Remember the bad as well as the good.
Brain scientists suggest nearly 20 percent of us suffer from
“complicated grief,” a persistent sense of longing for someone we lost with
romanticized memories of the relationship. Scientists also suggest this is a
biological occurrence—that the longing can have an addictive quality to it,
actually rooted in our brain chemistry.
As a result, we tend to remember everything with reverie, as
if it was all sunshine and roses. If your ex broke up with you, it may be even
more tempting to imagine she or he was perfect and you weren’t. In all
reality, you both have strengths and weaknesses and you both made mistakes.
Remember them now. As I mentioned, it’s easier to let go of a human than a hero.
5. Reconnect with who you are outside a relationship.
It’s quite possible you lived a fulfilling single life before
you got into this relationship. And maybe you felt strong, satisfied, and
happy, if not with everything in your life, on the whole.
Remember that person now. Reconnect with any people or
interests that may have received less attention while you were attached.
Your former self attracted your ex, and they’re still there
inside you. That person will get you through this loss and will attract someone
equally amazing in the future when the time is right. If you can’t remember
who you were, get to know yourself now. What’s important to you? What do you
enjoy? What makes you feel alive?
If you never felt satisfied and happy on
your own, use this as an opportunity to become the kind of person you’d want to be
with, because you’re going to be with yourself forever, regardless of your
relationship status. And though someone else can complement your life, you are
the only one who can fill yourself from the inside out.
6. Create separation.
Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the
past. It’s not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone.
Breaking off the friendship might feel like ruining your chances of knowing
love again.
It’s helped me to change my hopes to broader terms. So
instead of wanting a specific person to re-enter your life, want love and
happiness, whatever that may look like.
You will know love again. You won’t spend
the rest of your life alone. In one way or another, you will meet all kinds of
people and create all kinds of possibilities for relationships—if you forgive
yourself, let go, and open yourself up, that is.
7. Let yourself feel.
Losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, complete
with a grieving process.
First, you’re shocked and in denial. You don’t believe it’s
over and you hold out hope. Next, you feel hurt and guilty. You should have
done things differently. If you did you wouldn’t be in this pain.
Then, you feel angry and maybe even start bargaining. It
would be different if you gave it a second go. You wouldn’t be so insecure,
defensive, or demanding. Then you might feel depressed and lonely as it hits
you how much you’ve lost.
Eventually, you start accepting what happened and shift your
focus from the past to the future.
You have to go through the feelings as they come, but you
can help yourself get through them faster. For example, if you’re dwelling in
guilt, make forgiving yourself a daily practice. Read books on it, meditate
about it, or write about it in a
journal.
8. Remember the benefits of moving on.
When you let go, you give yourself peace.
Everything about holding on is torturous. You regret, you
feel ashamed and guilty, you rehash, you obsess—it’s all an exercise in
suffering. The only way to feel peace is to
quiet the thoughts that threaten it.
Letting go opens
you up to new possibilities.
When you’re holding onto something, you’re less open to
giving and receiving anything else.
If you had your arms wrapped around a huge bucket of water,
you wouldn’t be able to give anything other than that bucket or grab anything
else that came your way. You might even struggle to breathe because you’re
clutching something so all-encompassing with so much effort.
You have to give to receive. Give love to get love, share
joy to feel joy. It’s only possible if you’re open and receptive.
9. Recognize and replace fearful thoughts.
When you’re holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more
about attachment than love. Love wants for the other person’s happiness. Fear
wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel
the alternative.
You might not recognize these types of fearful thoughts
because they become habitual. Some examples include: I’ll never feel
loved again. I’ll always feel lonely. I am completely powerless.
Replace those thoughts with: All pain passes
eventually. It will be easier if I help them pass by being mindful. I can’t
always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it.
10. Embrace impermanence.
Nothing in life lasts forever. Every experience and
relationship eventually runs its course.
The best way to embrace impermanence is
to translate it into action. Treat each day as a life unto itself. Appreciate
the people in front of you as if it were their last day on earth. Find little
things to gain in every moment instead of dwelling on what you lost.
When I feel like clinging to experiences and people, I
remind myself the unknown can be a curse or an adventure. It’s up to me whether
or not I’m strong and positive enough to see it as the latter.
—
It took me eight years to work through my feelings about
relationships and letting go; but I am happy to report I am fifteen months into
a healthy relationship, standing firmly on my own two feet. In fact, last night
he flew from California to Boston, where I’ve been visiting for the last two
weeks, to spend time with me and my family.
I don’t regret the time when I was single, but I know now I could have hurt less and created even more possibilities for myself if I put more effort into completely letting go. I hope you’ll make that choice.