There are certain things in life worth waiting for.
A really awesome guy is one of them.
Unfortunately, our world has devalued the art of waiting. We
want our heart’s desire now. And for teenage girls eager to fall in
love, that eagerness can get the best of them. They may chase the boys they
like instead of waiting for the right boys to chase them – and then wonder why
their relationships are empty, short, and shallow.
If you have a daughter, it may frustrate you to see the new
breed of aggressive females being cultivated and encouraged by our society.
They are bold and forward in interacting with the opposite sex. They text boys
constantly and seek attention in all the wrong ways.
The world tells girls it’s empowering to take charge and
make advances, but I believe it hurts them. It can lead girls to lower their
standards and behave in ways that make them look bad and, ultimately, feel bad
about themselves.
In addition, chasing boys often makes boys run the other
way. As many boy moms can attest, their sons lose interest when a girl is pushy
or constantly checking in. They don’t like it and usually aren’t sure what to
do with the excessive attention.
If you hope for your daughter to buck the trend of girls
chasing boys, here are five talking points to start the conversation.
1. You were made to chase your dreams, not boys. You
are so talented, and you were made for a purpose. You are smart, energetic, and
equipped to change the world with your God-given gifts.
Rather than make a boy the center of your universe, keep God
at the center. Listen to His call and pursue the passions He plants in your
heart. The right boy will show up at the right time. God will make sure of
that.
You don’t need a boyfriend to make your life great. You
build a great life for yourself by cultivating strong relationships with family
and friends, developing your potential, and living out your God-given purpose.
When you find fulfillment before a boy ever enters the
picture, you become the kind of girl who lives with such joy and peace that the
right guys inevitably take notice and think, “Wow. She’s cool. I want to know
her better. I want more of what she has.”
2. The way a relationship begins sets the tone. So if you
start in role reversal, catching your heart’s desire by chasing him, expect to
continue taking the lead. A boyfriend who had to be hunted down is
very unlikely to court you, plan special dates, and initiate contact. Rather
than being smitten, he’ll probably be passive and lukewarm in his feelings
toward you.
Girls often complain about boys being lazy daters, but in
this day and age, they can be lazy. Why ask girls out
when girls will ask them? Why make dinner reservations when your girlfriend
agrees to meet up with friends and count it as a “date”?
If you want a boy to court you, let him work a little. Set
reasonable standards that require some effort. If he wants a date, have him
pick you up and meet your parents. If he waits until Friday afternoon to ask
you out for Friday night, keep your plans with friends and suggest he plan
ahead next time.
Am I saying it’s wrong to speak or interact with boys? Of
course not. I think it is fine to initiate conversation, smile, make
eye contact, and express enough interest to let a boy know you’re interested
once you’re of dating age. If he calls first, call him back. If he
texts you, text him back. But don’t be desperate or make the common mistake of
building your life around a boy. Besides hurting your relationship, it holds you back
from achieving your own goals and pursuing your interests.
A guy worth having will rise to the challenge. He’ll figure
out quickly how to improve his chances with you and find ways to spend time
together.
3. Chasing boys might capture their attention, but it
won’t capture their hearts. God created you to guard your heart, not
freely give it away to every boy who comes and goes. Chasing boys might make
them notice you, but it won’t make them love you. It might lead to dates, but
probably not healthy long-term relationships.
God wired boys to be the pursuer, not the pursued. He wants
them to take the lead because it cultivates them into young men and prepares
them for their future roles as husbands, providers, and leaders of the home. You
aren’t doing boys a favor by taking the risk of rejection off them; if
anything; you’re depriving them of an experience that helps them grow up and
mature.
There is something attractive and desirable to a boy
about a girl who is humble and confident yet not overly aggressive. That
is the kind of girl the good guys – the protectors, not the predators – are
most likely to be interested in.
4. The best way to approach boys is as potential friends,
not potential boyfriends. My goal with my daughters is to teach them
how to be good friends with boys. If they master the art of friendship with the
opposite sex, I believe the right romances will follow.
In dating and marriage, friendship is essential. It’s the
glue that holds a couple together when times get hard or when the fireworks
fade. When chasing boys, girls skip over friendship and plunge
straight into a passion. But passion without friendship won’t last. Passion
without friendship makes a girl (and a guy) easy to replace once the excitement
dies down.
Seeing boys as prizes to be won – rather than friends to be
made – makes you feel the need to impress them. And the harder you try to
impress someone, the less you are yourself. This makes you come across as fake,
and as my husband tells our daughters, who wants to date an imposter? What boy
will be interested in dating a girl who isn’t comfortable being herself?
The better approach is to focus on friendship first, even
when you have a crush. Let boys see the real you. Friendship offers a
safe way to get to know each other, and if a chemistry does exists, the romance
can evolve naturally from there.
5. The right guy won’t need to be chased. Give
it time and he’ll come after you. Right now, God is working on
you and your peers. He’s orchestrating big changes from one birthday to the
next, giving you big bodies, big emotions, and big thoughts to grow into. The
teen years bring major transformation, and if you compare a 13-year-old with an
18-year-old, you’ll notice how much can happen in a relatively short time.
The boy you’ll eventually date or marry may not be ready for
you yet. You may not be ready for him. Only time and maturity can bring you
both to a place where you’re ready to give your heart fully and jump into a
serious relationship.
In the meantime, have fun. Develop strong friendships with
boys who make you laugh and feel good about yourself. Surround yourself with
people who bring out your best, and bring out the best in others. Most
importantly, grow your relationship with God. Get to know Him so well that when
the right guy comes along, you’ll recognize God’s voice telling you this is the
guy worth waiting for.
As for us parents, let’s recognize the trends of today’s
dating scene and understand how hard it may be for girls to wait for boys when
it seems like all the girls getting dates do not.